Q. What’s up with all the vuvuzelas?

The origin of the vuvuzela is little known these days, despite their prevalent usage around sporting events.  In the olden days, the vuvuzela were used in the traditional summer ritual to appease the dark god with a million mouths.  In those days, just the mere start of a football game was enough to pique the dark god.  The field would soon rumble, disorienting fans and knocking players down left and right.  The god would then burst through the ground and its black tentacles would began grabbing players and dragging them into its not-quite-a-million mouths as the remaining mouths song a strange song that would spell the end of the world if left unchecked.  A clever shaman discovered that the way to stop the dark god (other than just not playing football) would be to make the most annoying noise humankind was aware of.  By blanketing the field with that song, the result was twofold.  First, the annoying buzzing would prevent the god from being aware a game was on.  Second, should the god decide to visit anyhow, it would not be able to hear its own song, the noise drowned out and the catastrophe to the world thus deserted.

Over the years, sonar detection devices and rocket propelled grenade technology has kept the god at bay without the use of ritual implements. (You wondered what FIFA really did, didn’t you?)  These days, the vuvuzela are pure leftovers from old tradition, much like your appendix is left over from your bovine ancestors.  However, that is not to say the vuvuzela no longer carry some of the tradition.  As seen in modern games, vuvuzelas are know to cause disorientation and brittle bones – just look how many times players are just barely tapped on the field and they fall down to the ground, wailing and clutching a body part far from any impact.

Q. Mr. Lies, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?

For aeons, this secret has been kept from mankind by the nefarious manipulation of owls.  Whenever a single person licks a Tootsie pop for too long, coming close to the secret inside, an alert goes out across the airwaves.  Equipped with built in wifi, owls awake from their dreaming slumbers and take action.  It does not matter where you are or what you do they will find you.  Sometimes it is an obvious tactic; many is the small child with painful memories of an owl flying buy and chomping down on their Tootsie pop.  It happened far more often than we admit, but some part of our consciousness refuses to admit this hidden pain.  Other times the owls use more subtle methods.  Think back, dear readers, to the last time you had a Tootsie pop you declined to bite.  Think back, dear readers, did you finish that pop?  No, you did not.  Something happened, didn’t it?  A coworker jostled you, you tripped over something, a bee stung your hand.  Something happened and you dropped it.  In slow motion you screamed in defiance as the pop descended to the ground at the dirtiest part of the earth thus preventing any reasonable invocation of the five second rule.  I suggest to you that this was no mere accident, no mere defect of fate – no, this was a deliberate event, so orchestrated by owls to prevent mankind from this knowledge.

For if mankind found this knowledge, we would have an unfair advantage.  It is not the knowledge of the center of the Tootsie roll pop – no, that while surely hidden is mere pedestrian knowledge.  No, knowing how many licks, the number itself, a Qabbalistic signifier by which mankind would then know the name of God himself (Yaweh is just his AIM name) and then unlock the keys to this universe.  The owls have done it, they have looked behind the curtain and seen the universe.  Why they choose to remain owls is unknown.  They just want us to not have this knowledge.

So I say to you all, lick as you must, lick as you enjoy, but know that if you lick too long, you will lose your Tootsie pop to the ground.  And those brave souls, those risky souls who choose to lick in your hermetically sealed environments under lock and key, sniper and surveillance, I say good luck to you – some secrets mankind is not meant to know.

And that’s it for this week!  Remember to email your questions to askdamnedlies@damnedliesproject.com!

Q: Didn’t this website used to be funny?

A: Uh, yeah.  We’re getting back to that…

Q: If Jesus and Superman got into a fistfight, who would win?

A: I take a certain offense to your question.  Why only the titans of Christianity and DC?  Would not a fight between Spider-Man and Moses be worth equal consideration?  Perhaps you have something against Marvel or Judaism?  Though, to be honest, Jesus was Jewish and many of the greatest superheroes were invented by those of the Jewish faith, including Superman.  So to be honest, even in your original question we are assured some hot Jew-on-Jew action.

But I don’t think that Jesus and Superman would find each other kindred souls and go on adventures.  Both recently free from abusive relationships (Lois Lane got a kryptonite ring for the sole purpose of using it during spousal abuse), the two would steal a convertible and make a run across the heartland of America, evading cops at every turn while getting to know truths about each other and ultimately themselves.  It would be a heartwarming television series full of emotions, feelings, transubstantiation, and turning back time by circling the globe in both a non-canonical and affront-to-the-laws-of-physics manner.

Let’s be honest, though.  Fox would cancel it after one season.

Q:  Why don’t we have lasers yet?

A: We haven’t made it far enough up the tech tree.

Q: What do you think of the current gulf catastrophe with BP?

A: I believe that they have unwittingly opened a gate to places man was not meant to touch, and now that it has been opened it cannot be closed.  It will continue to spew pure darkness out upon our unsuspecting world, with the full effects not visible for many years to come.

Actually, I haven’t really kept up with it or know all the facts.  I am disappointed that I missed out on an opportunity to pee on buildings for a good cause.

And that’s it for this week!  Remember to email your questions to askdamnedlies@damnedliesproject.com!