The Damned Lies Project

It’s that time again kids!  Let’s see what questions have come in since last time!

Q. What’s up with all the vuvuzelas?

The origin of the vuvuzela is little known these days, despite their prevalent usage around sporting events.  In the olden days, the vuvuzela were used in the traditional summer ritual to appease the dark god with a million mouths.  In those days, just the mere start of a football game was enough to pique the dark god.  The field would soon rumble, disorienting fans and knocking players down left and right.  The god would then burst through the ground and its black tentacles would began grabbing players and dragging them into its not-quite-a-million mouths as the remaining mouths song a strange song that would spell the end of the world if left unchecked.  A clever shaman discovered that the way to stop the dark god (other than just not playing football) would be to make the most annoying noise humankind was aware of.  By blanketing the field with that song, the result was twofold.  First, the annoying buzzing would prevent the god from being aware a game was on.  Second, should the god decide to visit anyhow, it would not be able to hear its own song, the noise drowned out and the catastrophe to the world thus deserted. Read the rest of this entry »

Yes, it is a TF2 comic.  No, I’m not explaining it to you if you don’t play.

Today we’re going to talk about a recent addition to this melting pot of business, porn, and insanity that we call the internet.  Some of you may have already seen it, but for all others, I present for you this slightly NSFW part of the internet: Dapper Dicks.

For those unable or unwilling to look at the site, I’ll give you the experience.  The initial experience of the site is surprisingly classy and business-like, with only the 18-and-over warnings giving you a clue.  Even after that, it’s simply a black flash-enabled page with a cartoon of a lounging gentleman in a suit.  A subtitle to Dapper Dicks notes that it is “Dress for Marital Success”.  Like most of us, you would still not be getting “it”… just what do they mean?  The About page would give you a clue, but it is in such dressed up language that a quick read of the page might make you miss it.  So, you click on the link for products, which gives you another clue: “Designer wear for down there”…

This takes you a page of little outfits.  I don’t think I’m the only one who was slow to have it dawn on them.  By the second outfit, the Fireman, I finally realized.  As you, my insightful audience, might have already guessed.

They make little costumes to go on your penis. Read the rest of this entry »

Wherein I keep on truckin’

A friendly hand shook me awake.

“Mom?” I said groggily, wondering when my bed had become so uncomfortable and covered with faux leather.

There was a giggle and then a drawling response.  “I ain’t your mom, Sugah.  Don’t make me feel so old.”

I sat up and groggily returned to my senses.  I was still in the roadside diner in Oklahoma.  I had finished my very delicious burger and fries.  Audrey said she’d work on getting me a ride, so she let me sit down in the corner booth for a while.  Since it was late, she wasn’t sure when a ride would show up.  At a certain point, I had just gotten so tired.  I told myself I would just lay and relax for a few minutes, but I guess sleep overtook me.

I squinted out the windows and saw it was morning – just barely.  The sun was just barely over the horizon, the daylight much more gold than I had ever seen it.  If I hadn’t been so tired, my eyes so red, I would have enjoyed it more.  Instead I found myself searching my backpack to see if I had sunglasses.  No luck. Read the rest of this entry »

Wherein I muse about America for a while.

Overjoyed as I was at being back in civilization, that still left me in an uncertain position.  I had been dropped somewhere along Route 66.  For those not familiar with the intimates of American geography, Route 66 is a very long road.  It stretches from California through the middle of America and then up to Chicago (though some biased readers may suggest that it begins in Chicago and ends in California instead).  I knew that I was on it, but I didn’t know where.  Before my sojourn through the wasteland, I had thought that I was in Texas or New Mexico.  But after that dream-like experience of dark worlds and walking houses, all bets were off on where I ended up.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I was in Oz.

Lost with only a backpack full of meager possessions is in some people’s minds a very romantic way to get to know a place.  Having been there, I disagree.  Sure, if this were Paris, Rome, London or New York City, I might agree.  But when you’re on a highway at night with darkness as far as the eye can see, you are not very endeared to the desolate expanse.  I was tired and hungry, weary of travelling and wanting a bed where I didn’t expect a crazy person to wake me up with cryptic words in the middle of the night. Read the rest of this entry »

We’re on Twitter now!  Find us under DamnedLiesProj.

Now you have more ways to find out when we update.

The more you know…

It’s that time again for me to answer all your questions!  Let’s see what the grab bag has today!

Q: Didn’t this website used to be funny?

A: Uh, yeah.  We’re getting back to that…

Q: If Jesus and Superman got into a fistfight, who would win? Read the rest of this entry »