Today we’re going to talk about a recent addition to this melting pot of business, porn, and insanity that we call the internet. Some of you may have already seen it, but for all others, I present for you this slightly NSFW part of the internet: Dapper Dicks.
For those unable or unwilling to look at the site, I’ll give you the experience. The initial experience of the site is surprisingly classy and business-like, with only the 18-and-over warnings giving you a clue. Even after that, it’s simply a black flash-enabled page with a cartoon of a lounging gentleman in a suit. A subtitle to Dapper Dicks notes that it is “Dress for Marital Success”. Like most of us, you would still not be getting “it”… just what do they mean? The About page would give you a clue, but it is in such dressed up language that a quick read of the page might make you miss it. So, you click on the link for products, which gives you another clue: “Designer wear for down there”…
This takes you a page of little outfits. I don’t think I’m the only one who was slow to have it dawn on them. By the second outfit, the Fireman, I finally realized. As you, my insightful audience, might have already guessed.
They make little costumes to go on your penis.
Yes, I realize that a fair amount of my readership is female and that statement doesn’t fully apply (unless they consider their ownership of their significant other’s penises), but no clauses, admonishments, or adverbs should weaken or clutter up that very significant realization.
They make little costumes to go on your penis.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk about the thought processes. Somewhere out there, someone had the idea of dressing up a penis. That’s not really so strange. Lovers have their inside jokes, their strange bedroom conversations – euphoria and familiarity do that. But to the next level, someone made the costume, and I assume… I guess the verb I’m looking for here is that they deployed it. In some bedroom somewhere in America (or maybe Canada, they’re odd there) there was a cock wagging around in the bedroom with a fireman costume, looking for penis-scale fires to put out. (Wondering which costume was the original prototype is a mind boggling experience that will keep you from working for a week or possibly cause a brain aneurism.)
So yeah, let’s consider that diminutive fireman somewhere in America, confined to just bedroom experiences and likely a single lover. Weird, but hey, what lovers do to each other behind closed doors is their business. But here’s the leap into high weirdness – “Hey baby, I think we have a great idea here. Let’s mass produce these and sell them on a website!” I leave it up to the reader to decide whether it was a man or woman who made that initial push towards entrepreneurship. Let’s just say that at some point, someone decided that the world needed this product and that there was a buck to be made. And maybe there is a buck to be made; I am no economist. Dapper Dick management, I wish you sincere luck on your endeavor.
At present time there are six different outfits to choose from: business suit, fireman, pirate, cowboy, soldier, and doctor. Those are either all the archetypes from the cover of romance novels or a new millennium version of the Village People. Each of the costumes has an affectionate name that is either sly naughtiness or a terrible pun depending on your tolerance level. For example, there’s Stroker the cowboy, Pirate Hardwood, and Private Willy. It’s okay – the most adventurous consumers of this product will invent their own names.
I will point out that our litigious and idiotic society has infected even the creative cock clothing industry. You will find on the site the below list of precautions:
Dapper wear must be removed prior to intercourse.
Dapper wear will not prevent sexually transmitted disease.
Dapper wear will not prevent pregnancy.
I for one am disappointed that after all my effort to suit up my boy that I would have to disrobe him for the main event. However, let’s talk about the others. They have to mention that a little fireman suit or pirate hat will somehow prevent STDs and pregnancy? Really? Who the fuck are these people who think that dressing up their willy in archetypical occupational clothing will stop pregnancy and disease? There’s no magic power that comes from dressing up as firemen and pirates. Then again, one of the costumes is a doctor. I see that as yet another way for cunning, unscrupulous men to convince women not to use a condom – their penis says, “Don’t worry, I’m a doctor, it will be okay.” And since that cock is dressed up as a doctor, maybe he knows what he’s talking about.
This brings us to the inevitable discussion in regards to wearable willy waistcoats. They’re already dressed up, how long is it before we start making them talk? Oh you might be some of the more conservative types, sitting there going, “Sure, fully dressed and accessorized penises are okay, but I draw the line at them talking!” Why people, why? Do you have something against cock ventriloquism? It simply ads to the realism. There’s a pirate costume. Are you going to stand in the way of someone dressing up their penis as a pirate, then make it say a fully-accented “ARRRRRR” in the bedroom?
But I agree, there’s a slippery slope. How far is it from dress rehearsals of talking puppet penis personas before it turns into performance art? Somewhere out there, there is someone with a hidden talent he never knew about. Out there is one who was born decades too late for vaudeville, yet he has a talent the world needs to see. Think of him as the up-and-coming equivalent of Jeff Dunham, but instead of using puppets constructed out of fabric and plastic, his medium is the penis. Dressed in a number of fully articulated costumes, his mastery of veiny ventriloquism is unparalleled. Some lover discovers it, and in a thundering realization, she knows, she just knows that this gift must be shared with others, with America, with the World.
Yet how would that gentleman receive the proper fame? With most talents, there’s a vague track. You begin showing on the street, in venues, talent shows, and somehow work your way up to Johnny Carson and his latter-day imitators. Unfortunately, I do not see our hero playing birthdays and bar mitzvahs without serious threats to his life. And then there is the TV angle. Yes, he could try to get on the Tonight Show or America’s Got Talent, but unfortunately, things don’t work that way in this country. The FCC takes a poor view of pirate penis puppet theaters. Oh, I know that it would be fine American entertainment, they type on which we should be raising children, but alas, no, the FCC , heartless un-American bastards that they are would not allow it.
At best, I see a grass roots phenomenon that slowly makes its way across America. I see it in rented space of empty stores in shopping malls, unused office space, or empty strip mall locations. While their families and significant others go shopping, they steal off to a prearranged location in the mall, paying a fee before being ushered in to an enclosed space. There other adults have congregated, sitting on folding chairs while they await the show. There’s soft murmuring, but there’s an air of nervousness and excitement as the main event starts.
Sure, there could just be a normal stage, but I don’t see that. This needs to meet with the people. This is a clearly populist event. No, I see these performances like the Punch and Judy acts of yesteryears. Instead of a stage, there is more of a booth, with drapery. Instead of modern ventriloquism, where the ventriloquist themselves are both seen and part of the act, instead the penis puppeteer is unseen, obscured by the drapery on the booth.
It is in this way that modern adults can feel like children again, truly enjoying a joyful show of puppets, except in this case the puppets are penises. I do not expect it to be a complete replication of the Punch and Judy experience. First off, Punch & Judy hit each other frequently. While some may be interested in such penis jousting, in general the logistics of doing so and keeping the penis puppeteer obscured would be too difficult.
Second, Punch was male and Judy was female. When both puppets happen to be cleverly disguised male organs, making one of them female seems awkward and wrong. Oh, I agree that in Shakespeare’s era, often women were played by men, but if those bygone theater companies were going to establish that rule for penis puppetry, they should have done it then – this is not a tradition we are going to carry forward. So instead, we would need to change the script. One possibility: Dick & Peter. Two men operated by two penis puppeteers. They could be a gay couple, or instead they could have a platonic relationship. The other option would be to do the Judy role justice. For that, we’d need the female version of Dapper Dicks: a Voluptuous Vulva, a Pretty Pussy, or a Comely Clothed Clitoris. Don’t ask me on the proper naming or prospective products. I leave that for some other entrepreneur out there to fill that niche, just as Dapper Dicks has done the fine job of thrusting their way into another niche which needed filling.
In the meantime, let’s dress up our dicks and perform Shakespeare. That’s clearly what the public wants.
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