The Damned Lies Project

Wherein homicidal tendencies are tested and Anne Rice loses a sale

The day after graduation, I was due back at my part-time job.  I hadn’t left town yet.  This was our dry run.  My clone would work my job, while I would find something to occupy myself and stay out of sight of anyone who might realize I was in two places at once.  My clone didn’t understand why it was such a big deal, because he was me in every way.  He even said that he wanted me to go; he said that if he was stuck here working, he at least wanted to enjoy it without having to share.

I worked in a bookstore.  That could have been cooler if I didn’t happen to work in a bookstore in the mall.  Trade in the musty book smell and interesting finds for corporate masters, overdone lighting, and more James Patterson than you can shake a stick at.  Rather than having a good spread of titles, they focused more on having many copies of the “It” titles.  They’d rather keep shelves full of extra copies of NY Times bestsellers and Oprah’s book club novels that no one was buying than use that space for variety.

Of all the people I worked with, there were two that stuck out: Sebastian and Marina.  Read the rest of this entry »

Wherein graduation commences and suspicions grow

The next day was high school graduation.  My clone was under strict orders to stay home and out of sight.  Since I was there when he woke up, I was clearly the “real” me and the one in command.  He was the copy and so was on bitch duty.  He didn’t respond well to this at first, but my logic was irrefutable.  Also, I wouldn’t let him out of the plastic tube until he agreed.

I drove over to Bruce’s house before graduation.  My family was driving to the ceremony later.  All graduates had to get there early and stand in a prearranged line.  I got dressed before I left for Bruce’s.  My high school eschewed the traditional cap and gown in favor of something a little more classy.  All the men were required to wear white tuxes, complete with black bow tie, while the ladies were required to wear white dresses.  While in quick moments it seemed like a scene from a GQ ad, overall it worked. Read the rest of this entry »

Wherein a clone is conceived of and conceived.

I replaced myself with a clone one summer.

It was the summer between high school and college.  Graduation was next weekend, and while I had a summer job, my life was otherwise uneventful.  Friends began to get apartments near school, threw themselves into summer jobs to make college money, or disappeared on their own adventures.  I also wanted to disappear too, but I needed to make money over the summer.  My parents would probably freak out too.

I don’t remember where the clone idea came from.  Read the rest of this entry »

Wherein douchebaggery is exposed and Baron Munchausen gets mad props.

After a few days, Bruce finally visited me in the hospital.  He claims he visited me already; he says I was still out of it due to my concussion.  I don’t remember him visiting me, so as far as I’m concerned, this was the first time.

He apologized for setting me up with Deborah.  But he had heard about how I orchestrated the fight with Becky, and made an impromptu escape from the scene of the crime.  Because of that, he wasn’t quite so sympathetic.  I tried offering my reasons, justifying the need for a girl-on-girl fistfight in a nice restaurant, as well as my need for a low profile.  He just shook his head and wondered why I was that way. Read the rest of this entry »

Wherein I am told the vomiting is inevitable, I bow to peer pressure, and I discover a new favorite drink.

I went to my first metal concert when I was fourteen.  It was a Pantera/Skid Row show at Madison Square Garden.  One of my older brothers was taking me.  A metal fan for years, this was his way of inducting me into the culture.  He was just glad I wasn’t a Madonna fan like another brother.

“Since it’s your first metal concert, you gotta get drunk and throw up,” he said.  His two friends nodded and grunted.  This was the way it had been, and this is the way it was going to be.  The metal gods had dictated the law, and we must follow it. Read the rest of this entry »